The Confidence Doc

Demystifying Self Esteem: It’s Just Not That Complicated

Self-esteem, or having a healthy sense of your own value, gets a lot of bad press and there is a lot of controversy around the topic.  This seems on the surface baffling to me, as what is the problem with, well, liking yourself? 

Where did all of this confusion come from?  There are many reasons that I have come across, far too many to mention in a short blog post, but the bottom line conclusion on a practical basis is this: who you think you are and your sense of self-worth affects every single area of your life. 

If you feel good about yourself and think that you are worthy of the goodness of life you are right.  If you feel bad about yourself and think that you are unworthy of the goodness of life – you are also right.  The saying “be is unto to your according to your faith” is a principle of life – period. 

Faith is another discussion for another time, but for this blog post, the main thing to remember is that faith and belief come from the heart.  It is not just some thought that you glibly recite to impress those around you.  When you believe something, you FEEL it. 

Getting back to self-esteem I would say that simply self-acceptance is the goal.  When you accept yourself, you can have compassion for yourself instead of judging and beating yourself up all day long, and you can have a more open and compassionate heart for others. 

Now, acceptance DOES NOT mean condoning or complacency. 

However, in order to have quantum leap change and empowerment in your life, you will elevate your energy right out the gate if you can look at where you are in your life and become open to changing it without spending your energy (notice the word “spending”) ruminating over what you don’t like currently. 

Empowerment: To Forgive or Not to Forgive – That is the Question!

Empowerment is so elusive for so many people because they do not understand principles are at work all the time – whether you believe it or not!  Take the Law of Gravity.  You can say you do not believe in the Law, or that you think whatever it is that you think about the law – it does not matter because the bottom line is, if you jump off of your roof, you are going down! 

I read an interesting discussion somewhere this week that discussed the issue of forgiveness.  In summary, the author was asking the question about whether forgiving someone is necessary or really valid.  On the table was also the issue of whether or not forgiveness is even possible.  I had the sense that the perspective was, as it is so often, that forgiveness was for the perpetrator, versus the “victim”. 

This issue about who is forgiveness for is the point of confusion that leads to the downfall of so many people.  Forgiveness as a benefit is NOT for the perpetrator – it is for the person who feels wronged!  “What?” you may ask.  “How so”? 

Empowerment: Do You Really Know What You Want?

It is empowering to feel clarity and excitement about experiencing what you want in life.  When you feel that you know what you want, and you’ve taken the necessary inspired action to materialize it, chances are you feel pretty good inside.

It certainly appears to me that at the heart of the matter what everybody is searching for is happiness and inner peace.  These two can only come from the inside out, and they are companions of love. 

Not the Hollywood version of love, or the dysfunctional/co-dependent "I can't live without you" kind of love.  I'm referring to the kind of love that is the rock of power, the Love that come from your core, your Spirit and it never fails. 

As long as you stay distracted by externals, via the media or by looking for love in all the wrong places, you will never find the inner peace and power that is your birthright and is waiting for you to turn within.  As long as you do not go within, you will go with out (external) and you will live without the sense of empowerment that is deep down inside, that you sense is possible. 

Happiness is not a person place or thing. 

Law of Attraction: NOW is Your Point of Power

Law of attraction is a hot topic these days.  I remember the first time I heard of it which was about ten years ago; I thought it was “woo-woo” and spooky. 

It was unfamiliar to me, and I did not really want to “go there”.  However, since I was seriously searching for some answers regarding the “secrets of the Universe”, eventually, I kept finding more and more information on the topic and I begin to become conscious of the connection between my thoughts, feelings and actions and what was showing up in my life. 

I started to notice that what I thought, how I felt, what I said and what I did lead to a given outcome, whether I wanted it, or NOT!  You see, it is not whether you want it; it is all about the “vibe”.  Feelings play a huge role in the process. 

What you put out to the Universe in terms of your energy via thoughts and feelings, will return to you for Life is a mirror.  It reflects back to you what you really believe, especially at an unconscious level! Your thoughts and feelings will determine what your brain notices and what actions you will ultimately take. 

In fact, belief is really “emotionalized thought”! What you feel NOW is energizing what you are choosing to focus on and what you focus on strengthens the associated thoughts and feelings.  It becomes a feedback loop.

Empowerment: Limiting and Empowering Beliefs

Confidence and Empowerment begins with beliefs.  Beliefs are not written in stone by any means.  Beliefs are formed from how you perceive the thoughts and feelings that you have from your experiences and from what you were told about how life works. 

Now it does not mean that the belief has to be the Truth of the Universe.  It does not matter.  If the belief is emotionalized, a heart-felt way of seeing reality, then the outcome of the belief will be what impacts your life. 

I used to think that what I believed was the way life was – end of conversation.  Little did I know that my ego was running the show and the way I was looking at life was limiting my experience in every area of my life.  It really is “be it unto you as you believe”. 

Our faith determines how we see.  Most of us have heard the saying “seeing is believing”.  The truth is, “believing is seeing”.  You can take ten people and they can give you ten versions of “how life is”.  Some of them may also get highly defensive and angry if your version differs from their own.  

Most of us over-identify with our beliefs as if they are WHO we are and not simply WHAT we think!  YOU are not your thoughts! 

Here is the bottom line:

Empowerment and the Confidence to Be YOU!

Empowerment will ultimately lead to transformation.  Out of the ashes of your life, you can find beauty. 

Confidence is a side effect of being true to your Self – your True Self, that is.  Confidence comes when you can heal the mis-perceptions of your identity, when you can open the door and let your inner splendor, your light emerge.

  "You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you and allowing that goodness to emerge" ~Eckhart Tolle

You cannot build true confidence by acting a certain way, wearing designer suits or obtaining three PhDs.  These are external measures of success and are relative.  If you are comparing your worth based on what others say, your confidence will be about as stable as a boulder sitting on the edge of a cliff. 

It generally does not take much to push you over the edge into insecurity.  In fact, advertisers and media are betting on the side of your insecurity. 

You will never be "good enough" as long as you compare yourself to some fluctuating external value.  It is this focusing of our attention on what we are taught to call “flaws” or made to feel ashamed of as children, that causes most people a lifetime of hiding in the dark instead of shining. 

There is only one original you, so why are you so desperately trying to look and act like a copy of someone else?  And who is this “someone else” that gets to set the gold standard?  Do you see how futile this game is?  You cannot possibly win with rules like this.

Memory Can Be Re-Membered As Empowering

Empowerment is a key to developing the confidence to live a life that is fulfilling and happy.  The way that we assemble our memory is based on our perception. 

Our memories are our stories stored in our bodies at a cellular level.  There was a story online in Live Science, June 26, 2009, by Clara Moskowitz, (Photo courtesy this site) entitled “First Image of Memory Being Made” (Click Here Live Science)

In this article is a photo of the imaging of the chemical reaction of memories being made at the cellular level in the body. 

The way you remember something is based on how you viewed yourself in relating to the facts of the event at the time.  Based on these emotions, a given set of feeling “chemicals” are made and stored in your body’s cells. 

Now remember, thoughts and feelings are ultimately electromagnetic energy.  Here’s the take home to begin to empower yourself – YOU, the real essence of you, your spirit – is not the story, the memory that you recall and “Re-Member” every time you put that old story together again (Get it?  Re-member; to put together again). 

I used to ruminate over all of the “you done me wrong” stories that I wired into my brain which created a sense of victim consciousness in me.  I used to create guilt stories, shame stories, angry stories, and occasionally happy stories – all stories however. 

The point is, once I began to realize that these memories where ways of looking at my situation at a given point in time and that they were not really ME, I could begin to separate my sense of identity from the stories and reframe the story! I can "Re-Member" them differently, with a new meaning, as a life lesson that empowers me to grow!

Empowerment: Re-Writing Our Stories

“All the worlds a stage and all the men and women merely players; they have their entrances and exists and one man plays many parts in his time” ~ William Shakespeare

This is one of my all time favorite quotes as it represents how I have come to see life as “human being”.  Actually, it is literal in many ways.  Science is helping substantiate many areas that only a few short years ago were looked upon with fear and suspicion by many as “woo-woo” or “new age” – both of which were vague and “out there” sort of terms.

Many of the processes that I first started becoming aware of ten years ago I tried based on faith and my inner Guidance.  I did not have the kind of inner peace that I knew was possible, even though outwardly, my life appeared successful by most standards.  I am actually a very grounded practical person in many ways.  I am also very much the visionary risk taker as well.

As I tried new modalities, I began to change.  It was scary at first, but now I am certain that once you can learn to trust yourself, expand your sense of connection to the Divine and let go of the need to control everything and everybody, your life can expand and grow beyond what you could have even imagined possible!

Confidence is a Side Effect of Empowerment

Confidence is not a “goal” for me at this point in my life.  I’ve discovered that it is a natural side effect of empowerment.  Empowerment of course is “power within”. 

I say within, versus with out – “out there” or outside of myself.  I changed my tagline recently because what my blog is really about is empowerment, taking back your sense of self from the external world. I am also in the process of changing my website.

Instead of “Building Confidence from the inside out”, I know to be true that when you discover more about who you really are and live from this space, confidence is indeed a natural outcome. 

The world is constantly changing and is completely relative.  This is one reason why it is so disempowering to allow others, media included, to tell you what you are worth, how you should look and what you should want.  When I was driven by seeking love, happiness and peace outside of myself, I was never satisfied. 

I was “looking for love in all the wrong places”. 

Personal Empowerment: Would You Rather Be Happy or Right?

Personal empowerment cannot occur if you keep doing the same thing and using the same information that got you where you are today.  How are you ever going to expand into a bigger role in life if you keep closing your mind to new information? 

Einstein is credited with saying that it is insanity to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.  How true! 

If you want to stop struggling and feeling like life is one big survival of the fittest contest, you have to be willing to release your old beliefs and paradigms that no longer work for you.  Why is this so hard? 

There can be many reasons, but one is that from a science standpoint, once you wire into your nervous system what you believe to be true, you will only tend to notice what aligns with your “reality”.  Reality is relative; my reality is not your reality. 

Once you start to unconsciously believe what you do, your conscious choice shuts down and you “fall asleep”.  If you are not aware or paying attention you will live your life on autopilot.  If your life is working very well for you, this is fine, but if it is not, your suffering will tend to only increase with time, like a growing cancer. 

There was an article written in Science Daily.com July 2, 2009, entitled “People Sometimes Seek the Truth, but Prefer Like-Minded Views”.  In other words, birds of a feather flock together.  In this article, done as a collaborative effort of several universities, it was shown that most people prefer to select information that supports their existing views.