The Confidence Doc

Self-Mastery 101: Some Practical Tips

 Self-mastery, mastery over the ego sense of self, I have found is partially developed by consciously building upon four fundamental areas - self-acceptance, assertiveness, self-responsibility and integrity. 

(Photo Britannica.com)

Unconsciously, I went through these stages in developing a stronger sense of self worth, and I notice that these traits are a part of what I see commentators in the media making note of in President Barack Obama.  This week’s Newsweek magazine, March 2, 2009 has a story called “The Confidence Game” and the cover story is on Obama. 

In the story, Obama is quoted as having to face his pain of feeling alone and I have read other articles and his books where it is apparent that he does a lot of self-reflection.  This is all a part of the first area, self-acceptance. 

On assertiveness, as an example I came across this quote today from Lawrence Chickering, “Thoughts on Obama’s Style ” February 25, 2009, examiner.com,

“It evokes the enormous self-confidence that many commentators have observed in him. The Presidential (traditional) style sends a message that the speaker needs the listener to be persuaded-to agree with him. This style, which suggests that the speaker needs followers, sends a silent message of a lack of self-confidence-in sharp contrast to Obama's strong self-confidence that comes his implicit indifference to whether he is persuasive: he sends the message that he just knows. His style is hugely comforting, especially in troubled times-which we are certainly in now”.

In other words, he speaks his truth instead of orchestrating his words to please others.  This naturally develops the area of integrity, which is also one of the four areas. 

Core confidence: Feeling Like An Outsider Can Make You Go Inside!

Core confidence building is a journey.   I stumbled upon this concept on my road to finding Self.  At a very young age, I felt that I did not fit in well into my primary family.

A part of it had to do with birth order, but most of it had to do with my difficulty conforming to the status quo and asking “too many questions”.  I grew up in a family that preferred that the boat not be rocked...too uncomfortable. 

Well, I have never been one who could tolerate constriction for long.  In the beginning, I attempted to fit in, but once I had the “aha” that I could really not belong and still search for meaning in life – that I could only be accepted if I gave up my need to seek expansion and blend into the woodwork – I rebelled. 

I decided that it would not profit me to gain approval and lose my soul.  So, I really started getting the royal boot, so to speak.  This rejection actually was one of the best things that could have happened to me in hindsight, as it caused me to come face to face with loneliness and not belonging to a core group. 

It forced me into sink or swim and, you guessed it – I swam! 

Self-Esteem: Which Self Are You Talking About?

Self-esteem is a word that is very ambiguous and abused so it always needs clarifying or put into context when using the word.  It occurs to me that since it is virtually always referring to the ego sense of self, it is no wonder it is so confusing. 

Esteem, of course means “respect and admiration”.  If you believe that your identity is what you are thinking about “self” or if you are defining your “self” in terms of what others say about you, it is no wonder that there is so much chaos and confusion. Let me explain.

We are living in a time of great change…it is in the air.  Not only does it look like the rug is being pulled from under the financial, workplace and housing markets, but there even appears to be unrest in people in general.  It seems to me that people are starting to ask deeper questions and want more meaning and happiness in their lives. 

There seems to be extreme energies out there - extreme chaos and ignorance and extreme light shining and energy to do service and to help the earth.  Well, I believe we are at a crossroads, a shift in the consciousness and evolution of the human race. 

While some people are doomsayers and think that it is the end of the world coming, I think it is just the end of the world as we have known it - which is a good thing.  It is time to stop living in fear, lack, disease and clinging to a survival attitude and it is time to thrive and live your purpose. 

The fact that people have to argue over whether or not it is “good” to have healthy self-esteem or not shows how small we have been conditioned to think.  Really now, why should anybody have to feel that it is “bad” to like themselves?  What is so wrong with loving yourself and feeling worthy of health, wealth and happy relationships?  The real issue is we think are “only human”. 

Drop The Drama: Happiness is a Choice!

Happiness is elusive for many people.  One reason I say this is that I notice our media headlines via the Internet, or in passing by a newsstand, or just simply coming across statistics that show the rise of chronic disease in our society and the millions of prescriptions written for anti-depressants...the list could go on here. 

There is obviously more than one reason.  So, is happiness something that we are going to find outside of ourselves?  Do not hold your breath!  If you haven’t already noticed, there is an awful lot of drama going on in the world today.

The media is outright addicted to it.  Thank goodness I have the power to turn it off!  There are many people who would rather dwell on their personal woes and what is wrong with the world.  Thank goodness I have the power to choose who I hang out with.  I am not always in a perfectly happy, energetic, vibrant mood.  Thank goodness I have the power and Grace to change my mind! 

In fact, your ability to “change your mind” is the single most powerful option you have to experience happiness.  It is not going to just show up in your life and any drama that is hanging out in your world first started showing up because of the way you allowed your mind to focus your attention. 

Empowerment: Are You Waiting For Permission To Make Changes?

To empower, as defined by the New Oxford American Dictionary, means, “to make (someone) stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights.”  I like this definition.  I particularly go for the idea of empowering yourself. 

You are ultimately the only authority over your life.  I was on a panel over the past weekend that had as the topic of discussion “Anti-aging”.  Interestingly, everyone on the panel had at least some non-traditional opinions about aging. 

I also added some information that has had formal study from Neuroscience that shows that stress actually has a damaging effect on gene replication in cells within your body’s immune system.  Stress can damage the end of genes known as telomeres and this can accelerate aging in the body. 

A gentleman from the audience who has a background in science suddenly appeared to become agitated and voiced his opinion that he was disappointed in the panel because we were all bringing only our “opinions”, “advice” and unscientific information to the discussion.  Now mind you, the information on telomeres that I mentioned is science, so he was not correct on this matter. 

A very intelligent physician on the panel who was a plastic surgeon and an integrative medicine specialist acknowledged that while it was true that some of the information being given did not have formal, establishment science to back it up, clinically the results from experience showed that they had a place in the healing tool box.  My response was “right on”.  I agree. 

If you wait on formal science to give us permission to make personal change in our health, you may be dead and gone by the time academia puts its stamp of approval on it and the information makes its ways into the mainstream textbooks.  The books are usually at least a decade behind in the school system. The point is, science can be slow to change. 

Self-Mastery: Want to Stop Having Your Buttons Pushed?

Self-mastery and empowerment is more than a “nice idea”.  It can become as real as you are willing to make it happen for yourself.  It is not about being lucky, and the journey to empowerment is a conscious choice, it will not just happen. 

We all start our early life feeling like a victim or possessing “victim consciousness”.  It seems that it is just a part of the human experience, and while it is possible that there are one or two exceptions out there, the rule is out the gate we have to develop our sense of personal power. 

For the most part, most people have accepted the notion that their life is out of their control.  I believe that this attitude is starting to shift.  Perhaps it is out of necessity or for some out of desperation, but since we are living in a time of great turmoil and change, it has become evident that that job you are depending on, or that support you thought would always be there, can simply vanish overnight. 

The truth is, this has always been the case.  It is an illusion to think that we can control things outside of ourselves.  The closest that we will ever come to controlling anything will be the ability to control our own mind, our choice of thoughts and what we will believe.  The missing ingredient though is awareness. 

BlogTalk Radio Interview February 19 2009

Hello Everyone!  I will be interviewed on the radio show "Healing the Universe:  The Clear Vibration, Thursday, February 19, 2009 from 7-8:30pm CST.  You can listen live, or listen to the archive of the show later.  Here is the link: Building Confidence From The Inside Out  .   Self-mastery in today's world has never been more important!

The Gratitude Attitude: How to Get Happy

Happiness, according to a survey done by Tom W. Smith of the University of Chicago’s National Opinion research Center, is at its lowest levels since 1972.  According to this survey, 14 percent of Americans are “not too happy”. 

Considering some of the statistics I come across, 14 percent would be lower than expected.  In a study from 2007 by the US department Center of Disease Control, it was estimated that out of the 2.4 BILLION drugs prescribed, 118 million were for anti-depressants, followed by 113 million for high blood pressure (a sign of life under pressure). 

In searching the Internet, I found that the estimates for anti-depressant usage is between 4-10%.  It said the use of antidepressants and other psychotropic drugs -- those that affect brain chemistry -- has skyrocketed over the last decade. 

I suspect that some of those people who were surveyed were either not being honest, or it was not a very good population sampling.  I believe a part of the problem with unhappiness is that many people do not realize that happiness cannot be found outside of themselves. 

I know this from personal experience.  I once thought that if I could just obtain a good, relationship, money, career, physical appearance – among other things – that then I would be happy.  I have discovered that none of these things could fill what I have come to call, a spiritual void. 

Happiness starts within you; it is a spiritual quality that I believe is linked directly to the force of gratitude. 

Emotional Intelligence: Personal Power Depends On It!

Emotional Intelligence is a rapidly expanding area of interest these days.  It really is not some great discovery.  I don't think that it is equivalent to rocket science in its complexity. 

Logic and common sense dictate that a person who is empathetic, adaptable and in touch with their own feelings are more likely to be successful in life.  What is interesting to me is how some of the researchers in this field seem to not quite practice what they "preach" in that there is much argument in the literature over territory rights as to who gets to define what and who is "right or wrong". 

I notice some researchers leading with their egos instead of their hearts.  That is one reason that I never liked academia in general.  The ego structure of many of the people in this arena is quite over-the-top and out of control. 

Of course, this does by no means implies that all academics function this way.  Thank goodness there are those who are courageous and committed enough, as well as wired to be able to withstand and tolerate the ego games that seem to be never ending. 

I personally prefer to let them fight and then study the information and come to my own conclusion and see what I can use of practical benefit.  You see, in reality, there is no black and white truth.  You cannot measure intelligence of any kind in a test tube, and the squabbling is yet another example of why we as a human race need to heal our minds and allow others the space for freedom of their expression. 

Self-Mastery: What You Give Your Attention to Determines Your Destination

Empowerment happens when you become aware of the importance your day-to-day choices.  Success and happiness is not a random event, it is not about “luck”.  My husband was watching the Ben Carson Story movie last night and it caused me to recall the phenomenal life that this world-renowned Pediatric Neurosurgeon has led. 

Dr. Carson grew up angry and poor in Detroit and except for an act of grace, could have had a very different life experience.  He had a very quick temper and one day, he reach for a knife to stab a friend who said something that he did not like and the knife struck the child’s belt buckle and broke. 

This startled young Ben so severely that it jolted him to pray to heal his anger. I can relate to this.  I too once had a destructive anger problem, and I am here to say that you can heal any self-limiting belief that you want to - if you really want to travel further in life, that is.

Dr. Carson has a mother who, though she only had a third grade education, she decided that she and her boys would not lead a life of blame and victimization.  Instead of allowing them to spend time in front of media all evening, she had her boys read two books a week and to write book reports.  She did this despite the fact that she could not read them through herself.