The Confidence Doc

Demystifying Self Esteem: It’s Just Not That Complicated

Self-esteem, or having a healthy sense of your own value, gets a lot of bad press and there is a lot of controversy around the topic.  This seems on the surface baffling to me, as what is the problem with, well, liking yourself? 

Where did all of this confusion come from?  There are many reasons that I have come across, far too many to mention in a short blog post, but the bottom line conclusion on a practical basis is this: who you think you are and your sense of self-worth affects every single area of your life. 

If you feel good about yourself and think that you are worthy of the goodness of life you are right.  If you feel bad about yourself and think that you are unworthy of the goodness of life – you are also right.  The saying “be is unto to your according to your faith” is a principle of life – period. 

Faith is another discussion for another time, but for this blog post, the main thing to remember is that faith and belief come from the heart.  It is not just some thought that you glibly recite to impress those around you.  When you believe something, you FEEL it. 

Getting back to self-esteem I would say that simply self-acceptance is the goal.  When you accept yourself, you can have compassion for yourself instead of judging and beating yourself up all day long, and you can have a more open and compassionate heart for others. 

Now, acceptance DOES NOT mean condoning or complacency. 

However, in order to have quantum leap change and empowerment in your life, you will elevate your energy right out the gate if you can look at where you are in your life and become open to changing it without spending your energy (notice the word “spending”) ruminating over what you don’t like currently. 

Empowerment: To Forgive or Not to Forgive – That is the Question!

Empowerment is so elusive for so many people because they do not understand principles are at work all the time – whether you believe it or not!  Take the Law of Gravity.  You can say you do not believe in the Law, or that you think whatever it is that you think about the law – it does not matter because the bottom line is, if you jump off of your roof, you are going down! 

I read an interesting discussion somewhere this week that discussed the issue of forgiveness.  In summary, the author was asking the question about whether forgiving someone is necessary or really valid.  On the table was also the issue of whether or not forgiveness is even possible.  I had the sense that the perspective was, as it is so often, that forgiveness was for the perpetrator, versus the “victim”. 

This issue about who is forgiveness for is the point of confusion that leads to the downfall of so many people.  Forgiveness as a benefit is NOT for the perpetrator – it is for the person who feels wronged!  “What?” you may ask.  “How so”? 

Law of Attraction: NOW is Your Point of Power

Law of attraction is a hot topic these days.  I remember the first time I heard of it which was about ten years ago; I thought it was “woo-woo” and spooky. 

It was unfamiliar to me, and I did not really want to “go there”.  However, since I was seriously searching for some answers regarding the “secrets of the Universe”, eventually, I kept finding more and more information on the topic and I begin to become conscious of the connection between my thoughts, feelings and actions and what was showing up in my life. 

I started to notice that what I thought, how I felt, what I said and what I did lead to a given outcome, whether I wanted it, or NOT!  You see, it is not whether you want it; it is all about the “vibe”.  Feelings play a huge role in the process. 

What you put out to the Universe in terms of your energy via thoughts and feelings, will return to you for Life is a mirror.  It reflects back to you what you really believe, especially at an unconscious level! Your thoughts and feelings will determine what your brain notices and what actions you will ultimately take. 

In fact, belief is really “emotionalized thought”! What you feel NOW is energizing what you are choosing to focus on and what you focus on strengthens the associated thoughts and feelings.  It becomes a feedback loop.

Empowerment and the Confidence to Be YOU!

Empowerment will ultimately lead to transformation.  Out of the ashes of your life, you can find beauty. 

Confidence is a side effect of being true to your Self – your True Self, that is.  Confidence comes when you can heal the mis-perceptions of your identity, when you can open the door and let your inner splendor, your light emerge.

  "You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you and allowing that goodness to emerge" ~Eckhart Tolle

You cannot build true confidence by acting a certain way, wearing designer suits or obtaining three PhDs.  These are external measures of success and are relative.  If you are comparing your worth based on what others say, your confidence will be about as stable as a boulder sitting on the edge of a cliff. 

It generally does not take much to push you over the edge into insecurity.  In fact, advertisers and media are betting on the side of your insecurity. 

You will never be "good enough" as long as you compare yourself to some fluctuating external value.  It is this focusing of our attention on what we are taught to call “flaws” or made to feel ashamed of as children, that causes most people a lifetime of hiding in the dark instead of shining. 

There is only one original you, so why are you so desperately trying to look and act like a copy of someone else?  And who is this “someone else” that gets to set the gold standard?  Do you see how futile this game is?  You cannot possibly win with rules like this.

Empowerment: Re-Writing Our Stories

“All the worlds a stage and all the men and women merely players; they have their entrances and exists and one man plays many parts in his time” ~ William Shakespeare

This is one of my all time favorite quotes as it represents how I have come to see life as “human being”.  Actually, it is literal in many ways.  Science is helping substantiate many areas that only a few short years ago were looked upon with fear and suspicion by many as “woo-woo” or “new age” – both of which were vague and “out there” sort of terms.

Many of the processes that I first started becoming aware of ten years ago I tried based on faith and my inner Guidance.  I did not have the kind of inner peace that I knew was possible, even though outwardly, my life appeared successful by most standards.  I am actually a very grounded practical person in many ways.  I am also very much the visionary risk taker as well.

As I tried new modalities, I began to change.  It was scary at first, but now I am certain that once you can learn to trust yourself, expand your sense of connection to the Divine and let go of the need to control everything and everybody, your life can expand and grow beyond what you could have even imagined possible!

Confidence is a Side Effect of Empowerment

Confidence is not a “goal” for me at this point in my life.  I’ve discovered that it is a natural side effect of empowerment.  Empowerment of course is “power within”. 

I say within, versus with out – “out there” or outside of myself.  I changed my tagline recently because what my blog is really about is empowerment, taking back your sense of self from the external world. I am also in the process of changing my website.

Instead of “Building Confidence from the inside out”, I know to be true that when you discover more about who you really are and live from this space, confidence is indeed a natural outcome. 

The world is constantly changing and is completely relative.  This is one reason why it is so disempowering to allow others, media included, to tell you what you are worth, how you should look and what you should want.  When I was driven by seeking love, happiness and peace outside of myself, I was never satisfied. 

I was “looking for love in all the wrong places”. 

Confidence and Empowerment: Getting Beyond Survival Mentality

Confidence is not about acting a certain way; it is about being authentic.   It is the confidence to be self-actualized and to stop trying to be another copycat of some media image that you've been manipulated into seeking. 

This attempt to conform is really related to a deep-seated, unconscious belief in "survival of the fitness".  This is rooted in insecurity around safety and the need to be loved.  While is it human to want to feel love and security, it is a distortion to seek it first outside of yourself. 

You will not really ever transcend the search for security and love as long as you give your focus of power to people, places and things outside of yourself.  You must first love yourself in order to "find" the security and love that you need. 

I've learned this first hand.  I grew up, real or not, perceiving that I did not quite "fit in" into my environment on many levels.  While there was some factual examples of rejection going on in my world, being a child, the rejection felt almost life threatening.  The issue for me and all of us is that many of our decisions about "how life is" are based on the intellectual understanding and memory of a three-year-old! 

Personal Transformation: Rising Above Your Present Drama

Transformation literally means to rise above form, or transcend “form”.  Form is what you are seeing in your world at the moment.  And here is what I’ve discovered: what I see was formed by my perceptions. 

My perceptual system is unique to me in many ways.  My thoughts, emotions and feelings create the vision and energy that forms how I experience life.  I know that most people still believe that we are hapless victims of circumstances.  I used to. 

It has been so freeing to realize that this is just not the case.  While I cannot control everything in my world, I can control how I react to a great degree.  Here’s an as yet little known point that is powerful - how conscious are you to recognize that the physical world starts within the quantum field of all that is? 

In practical terms, everything is energy and then the invisible, tiny particles of waves and particles “gel” into form according to our consciousness.  While science shows there is no such thing as space and that the “observer” affects the movement of the quantum field, there is much controversy over “what is consciousness”? 

Self-Mastery: I Am Just Glad to Be Here

Confidence and self-mastery are certainly linked.  I mean by self-mastery, the ability to manage the ego sense of self, recognizing that it is not the real deal, the real me. 

I can go through life asleep and unconscious of my ability to co-create and thus suffer, or I can choose the empowered approach to creating my reality.  I can buy into those voices that say “thank God it’s Friday”, or I can say, “Thank God, I’m still here and life is good, no matter what is passing by right now”. 

At this moment, I’m just glad to be here. 

This and every moment is what I ultimately choose to make of it.  The role of the ego is varied, but you can for now, just think of it as the storyteller, that portion of the left, linear, logic brain, that is the mental construction of your identity.  It is a changeable character on the stage of life.  What role are you currently playing? 

It is fine to play these various roles as long as we are doing so consciously.  What do I mean by this? I can play doctor, lawyer, Indian chief, even “afraid”, as long as I am aware that these are merely experiences, they are not my true essence. 

My essence, that which abides at my core, is unchangeable, boundless, un-nameable and unlimited.  It is Spirit.  I am spirit, a part of Spirit, Life, all that is.  Now, since at the root of how I relate to life is “practical”, (meaning, if it is of no earthly use, I really have no real use for it), I want to make the point here that just talking about “spirit” and showing no fruit in my life doesn’t serve much purpose. 

The Confidence to Let Your Light, and Life, Shine!

My confidence has grown and expanded over time.  Many times in life, and often at an early age, we experience situations and circumstances that seem to cause us to feel less than we are.  I say seem to cause because ultimately, it is not what happens to us but how we label what happens. 

We are all "storytellers".  What I mean is, when I was a young child, in my attempt to fit in, and this would include, family, friends and at school, I sometimes played smaller than I really wanted to.  I formed beliefs that made me feel "safe". 

For example, I use to go out of my way to keep my grades hidden from my friends in general because I did not want to appear to be an "egg head".  There are many examples of this, everything from how much money we make, where we live, what we drive etc etc. 

One of the problems with this is that it always overlaps into the subconscious.  From time to time, I still uncover habits that are linked to fear that encourages hiding my light.  This stems from old stories that was have told ourselves somewhere along life's journey. 

While this is not nearly as much of an issue now as it once was for me, one way that you can tell that you are still holding back is if you do not have the health, wealth, relationships, personal power or career that you really desire.  The Universe is not playing favorites.